Painting...

You know.. I never knew how much I loved painting until senior year of high school. 

I took a class with a very talented and amazing teacher... and Miss A introduced me to something that genuinely calms me equally as much as music. And I never thought that was possible as music is the core of my being. 

I forgot for a while how much I loved to paint, and about six months ago I bought a new kit just for fun.. and thus I was again hooked.. 

It's crazy how any form of creating just has a way of easing my mind and allowing me to forget all surrounding problems even if just for the time being. It's an escape.. 

And I truly do have Miss A to thank for that. 

My angel in the sky.

To my angel in the sky.. I love you and miss you more than words to describe. 

I miss your jokes, and your love. I even miss you putting me in my place time and time again. 

You were my biggest cheerleader and I don't know how my world works without you. This past year has been so hard for me without you by my side. And I feel like I've let you down in so many ways. I am so ashamed. But I promise I am trying. I am trying to be the person you always wanted me to be. The best version of myself I could be. 

I may have strayed, I may have gotten far far of course, but you're the reason I'm trying to turn everything around. I love you so much and I wish more than anything that I had one more chance to sit and talk with you.. About anything really. 

Just even a chance to sit with you and watch LINGO or any other silly game show that you would want to watch that I'm sure I complained about all the time.

You know, I don't think anyone knew you like I did. Our relationship was different. We understood each other, though we rarely agreed on much. But we always made each other laugh. Always made each other smile.. And always let each other know that they were loved. 

I miss you and I hope you are up there with Grandpa because I know how much he meant to you and I know that with him you're much happier than you were here without. And that makes me happier, even though I selfishly wish I could've had you in my life always.

I love you. My angel in the sky. My guardian. And one of the most amazing women I ever had the chance to know. 

RIP Lillian Arruda 

12.1.14

Coran Henley..

This man.. 

This man has believed in me, more than I have ever believe in myself.. 

He has loved me, through trying times and has helped me find myself when I didn't think I was worth finding. He's been my best friend for a few years now and has done everything he can to make my dreams a reality. 

I tell him all the time, what he means to me. And I hope he knows that every time I think of giving up.. I think of him. I think of how much he believes in me. How if I were to give up on myself and dreams, I would not only be letting myself down, but letting down someone who believes I can be whatever I want to be... 

Thank you for always being my rock and my friend and for giving me the strength to never let go or lose site of the potential I have to succeed and be everything I dreamed of and more.. I love you with all my heart and appreciate you more than you will ever know. 

Thank you Coran.

Beauty is breathtaking...

You know.. I've always been the kind of girl that couldn't get enough of the nature. Not many know that about me.. but when I was younger I used to disappear into the pit behind my parents house and just sit on top of this huge boulder and watch the sky.. and dream. 

I would look at the colors that the sky created. Watch it's sunrises and sunsets and I don't think I ever looked at the same colors up there twice. For each day was filled with new meaning and a new sky. It instilled a hope in me, that life truly was full of endless possibilities. Endless moments. And endless color. And I could make of it whatever I wished. 

It's funny how as children we can look up and see so much, so much positivity and so much light. Some along the way, we stop looking up. We see what we feel is realism. reality. and how unrealistic childhood fantasy is. But I believe it is us, adults that have it wrong. Anything truly is possible. And I'm starting the see that again. 

Maybe thoughts work in cycles. Maybe skies are simply reminders of hope and opportunity.. 

maybe..

The story behind the photo...

The truth. 

The day I took this photo we were in Noumea. I was walking down the streets like this, in my jeans, Jurassic Park tee, vans, and my ray bans on. I was just trying to get myself to the cafe I would go to upon each visit to this island and a boy stopped me. He was probably around my age and he said to me "everything works. your hair, your look, the glasses. it all works" 

and with such a simple sentence, such a brief compliment, my confidence at that moment went from zero to ACTUALLY there. 

You know... it's crazy how a mere compliment can change someone's day. and no matter how brief that moment lasts or how small of a window that positive attitude has, it was that one compliment that made it all possible. And when I posted this photo on instagram people commented, complimented, liked, whatever... but they had no idea how far on cloud nine I was from that one small compliment. 

A photo can be just a photo to others, but to the subject that photo is a memory of such a beautiful emotion and strong feeling of self worth. and every time I look at this photo I remember that day.. and I smile.. 

and though I shed a tear while writing this.. it truly was such an incredible feeling as a result of something as small as a compliment, that maybe to that boy was nothing more than an a passing moment... but to me.. meant the world.

An Intro to My Ranting...

This is Me. My name is Jillian. I am 23 years old and up until now the world has had this idea that they know everything there is to know about me. That they had the right to tell me who I am when in all reality their views barely brush the surface of the woman I am, of the world I see and of the things I've overcome to be where/who I am. 

But this is my tell all. 

This is where the truth, my views, and my thoughts are set free.

so welcome.. welcome to my mind.