Gone Fishing...

It's funny. There are so many things that I used to do so frequently that I haven't done in years. For example: fishing. When I was a kid my father and I went fishing quite regularly and I absolutely LOVED IT!

I was a little cute tom boy, daddy's girl when I was little. I miss it. 

Anyway, my friend Rich took me fishing last year and though I was boring and didn't do too too much because it was super hot, I must say I had a blast. I forgot how relaxing and enjoyable fishing is. Holding that little munchkin in my hand just brought me back to being a kid and fishing with my daddy again. 

I will definitely need to start fishing regularly again.

An interesting start to a friendship...

When I was 19 years old, I received a message from a boy asking me if I would be his date to prom for he couldn't find anyone else to go with him.. 

Not only was I flattered, but what I didn't tell him was that I never went to my senior prom because no one had asked me.. nor would I have really felt welcome, but that's beside the point. And so naturally I said yes.

He was taken back by me saying yes and seemed very excited and it felt really good being able to make that boy feel like a stud :) lol

Anywho, the day came, and I went over to his house all dolled up and met his family and we took countless photos and from there off we went. I had the most incredible time with him and he was so sweet and tried to dance, I say tried because... Jacob, we need to STILL give you some lessons. (inside joke)

But truly the night was so much fun and from there Jacob and I have been friends ever since. I genuinely am so grateful to have met such an amazing, caring and loving individual and ever more so I feel blessed to call that man a very good friend of mine. He's been there for me through a lot of stuff and has share countless iHop dates with me and just has a way of making me laugh and smile even when I'm upset. 

Needless to say, I'm very happy I said yes that day. :)

My past life...

Ever since I was a kid I've been obsessed with water and dolphins. I've never been able to describe it, but I've had one dream that has reoccured many times since I was very little.. Of me in the ocean, among dolphins, as though I was one of them. People tell me I'm crazy, but I believe that in a past life I was one of them. Can't explain it, I just know. 

So when I got older I got a tattoo of a dolphin (very henna style) on my lower tummy. It just felt right as I feel an extreme emotion, mental attachment to them. 

Anyway, my ex boyfriend Alex surprised me with tickets to Discovery Cove in Orlando, FL for January 1st of last year as an anniversary present and I cried like a baby I was so excited for I had never swam with dolphins before and it was one of the main things on my bucket listed that I knew I had to do before I die.

The day came and Alex and I got to Discovery Cove and I was just glowing with excitement regardless of the ZERO sleep I had gotten that night after singing at a New Years Eve party two hours away and driving over night and AHHHHH... But I was just beaming none the less. 

And I can't explain it, but getting in that water, swimming with and being next to those beautiful creatures, I just felt at peace.. at "home". It was just such a magical experience and I will never forget it ever. I mean just look at my face, I have never been so happy, it was such an unforgettable moment. 

So thank you Alex, for giving me memories I will take with me forever. And thank you to Discovery Cove for giving me the opportunity to be amongst the creatures I crazily believe to be related to.. Oh well... call me crazy, because I was a dolphin.. I know it. :)

My 21st birthday...

Back in 2013, I went to London for the first time. I was extremely excited because not only was I celebrating my 21st, going to London with my best friend, playing a show at a venue Ed Sheeran recorded a live album at, BUT I was also going to finally be able to meet some incredible people that had been supporting me for quite a while!

So it was September 10th, my birthday, and I was heading over to the venue where I'd be performing that evening and I ran into a few incredible girls and they surprised me with a birthday cake. I was so touched and taken back by the gesture and that was just the start of the evening!

I played my show and afterwards met some pretty special individuals, all with their own stories and own beautiful personality. If there's one thing I can't stress enough it that I truly can not think of a better way to have spent my 21st than along side some of the most incredible and most genuine people I have met. And I am so grateful for the love and the support they have given me over the years

Man I miss them, gotta get my butt back to London for sure.. yup yup yup. (Cue Ducky from Land Before Time.. lol)

They were right...

Growing up all I ever said was... "I'm never having kids..."; "Kids are a pain in the ass"; "I'm not the 'mother' type"... And all anyone ever said in response was "you'll change your mind, trust me you'll see" 

And I would simply roll my eyes and think to myself... yeah right. 

But now at 23, well it started at 21, every time I see a child my heart melts into a million pieces. Every friend or family member that gets pregnant, I get envious.. and as much as I HATE to admit it... all those people were right.

And I'm not in any rush, but I DO know that whenever it does happen I will not only be ready, but I will be the best mother in this world, for I will love, support and help my children in whatever way needed. I will allow them to be the person they choose to be and guide them where I see fit, but give them the freedom to make their own mistakes and grow and be good and just love those around them as I love them, unconditionally and with no judgment of their own personal choices. 

I can't wait for the day I start a family of my own. :)

The Magic of Disney

In July this past year I acted as a chaperon for my mother singing group Voices In Time. We went to Disney and there they performed at Downtown Disney. One of the nights in Disney visited the Magic Kingdom and it was pretty late, the park was getting ready to close down for the evening and we were all exiting the grounds. 

When out of no where a lovely young man took my hands and began to dance with me as if out of a movie. I may have been caught of guard but I couldn't help but smile and just live in that moment. As moments like those are so very rare and, I believe, under appreciated. 

It reminded me of a musical, where the two main characters randomly met and joined together to be the stars of the show. In the moment there was just me and him and we danced to the Disney Music playing around us. 

I look back on that night and all I can think is that that night I myself experienced the Magic Of Disney, and it is a memory I will never leave behind, thanks to that outgoing wonderful boy.

My first time with contouring??

On October 2nd, 2015 I decided to go out for the night with some friends to EGO, where one of my roommates is a host for drag nights.

We all decided to Halloween themed makeup. And I had NO idea what I was doing so I started experimenting and doing whatever came naturally.. and the result was a zombie contour... I started off with a white shade all over my face and began adding in shading with grey and black makeup. 

Basically I ended up stumbling upon contouring and that began my REAL interest in actually teaching myself how to do real makeup...

It all started by accident... who would've thought...?

Painting...

You know.. I never knew how much I loved painting until senior year of high school. 

I took a class with a very talented and amazing teacher... and Miss A introduced me to something that genuinely calms me equally as much as music. And I never thought that was possible as music is the core of my being. 

I forgot for a while how much I loved to paint, and about six months ago I bought a new kit just for fun.. and thus I was again hooked.. 

It's crazy how any form of creating just has a way of easing my mind and allowing me to forget all surrounding problems even if just for the time being. It's an escape.. 

And I truly do have Miss A to thank for that. 

My angel in the sky.

To my angel in the sky.. I love you and miss you more than words to describe. 

I miss your jokes, and your love. I even miss you putting me in my place time and time again. 

You were my biggest cheerleader and I don't know how my world works without you. This past year has been so hard for me without you by my side. And I feel like I've let you down in so many ways. I am so ashamed. But I promise I am trying. I am trying to be the person you always wanted me to be. The best version of myself I could be. 

I may have strayed, I may have gotten far far of course, but you're the reason I'm trying to turn everything around. I love you so much and I wish more than anything that I had one more chance to sit and talk with you.. About anything really. 

Just even a chance to sit with you and watch LINGO or any other silly game show that you would want to watch that I'm sure I complained about all the time.

You know, I don't think anyone knew you like I did. Our relationship was different. We understood each other, though we rarely agreed on much. But we always made each other laugh. Always made each other smile.. And always let each other know that they were loved. 

I miss you and I hope you are up there with Grandpa because I know how much he meant to you and I know that with him you're much happier than you were here without. And that makes me happier, even though I selfishly wish I could've had you in my life always.

I love you. My angel in the sky. My guardian. And one of the most amazing women I ever had the chance to know. 

RIP Lillian Arruda 

12.1.14

Coran Henley..

This man.. 

This man has believed in me, more than I have ever believe in myself.. 

He has loved me, through trying times and has helped me find myself when I didn't think I was worth finding. He's been my best friend for a few years now and has done everything he can to make my dreams a reality. 

I tell him all the time, what he means to me. And I hope he knows that every time I think of giving up.. I think of him. I think of how much he believes in me. How if I were to give up on myself and dreams, I would not only be letting myself down, but letting down someone who believes I can be whatever I want to be... 

Thank you for always being my rock and my friend and for giving me the strength to never let go or lose site of the potential I have to succeed and be everything I dreamed of and more.. I love you with all my heart and appreciate you more than you will ever know. 

Thank you Coran.

Beauty is breathtaking...

You know.. I've always been the kind of girl that couldn't get enough of the nature. Not many know that about me.. but when I was younger I used to disappear into the pit behind my parents house and just sit on top of this huge boulder and watch the sky.. and dream. 

I would look at the colors that the sky created. Watch it's sunrises and sunsets and I don't think I ever looked at the same colors up there twice. For each day was filled with new meaning and a new sky. It instilled a hope in me, that life truly was full of endless possibilities. Endless moments. And endless color. And I could make of it whatever I wished. 

It's funny how as children we can look up and see so much, so much positivity and so much light. Some along the way, we stop looking up. We see what we feel is realism. reality. and how unrealistic childhood fantasy is. But I believe it is us, adults that have it wrong. Anything truly is possible. And I'm starting the see that again. 

Maybe thoughts work in cycles. Maybe skies are simply reminders of hope and opportunity.. 

maybe..

The story behind the photo...

The truth. 

The day I took this photo we were in Noumea. I was walking down the streets like this, in my jeans, Jurassic Park tee, vans, and my ray bans on. I was just trying to get myself to the cafe I would go to upon each visit to this island and a boy stopped me. He was probably around my age and he said to me "everything works. your hair, your look, the glasses. it all works" 

and with such a simple sentence, such a brief compliment, my confidence at that moment went from zero to ACTUALLY there. 

You know... it's crazy how a mere compliment can change someone's day. and no matter how brief that moment lasts or how small of a window that positive attitude has, it was that one compliment that made it all possible. And when I posted this photo on instagram people commented, complimented, liked, whatever... but they had no idea how far on cloud nine I was from that one small compliment. 

A photo can be just a photo to others, but to the subject that photo is a memory of such a beautiful emotion and strong feeling of self worth. and every time I look at this photo I remember that day.. and I smile.. 

and though I shed a tear while writing this.. it truly was such an incredible feeling as a result of something as small as a compliment, that maybe to that boy was nothing more than an a passing moment... but to me.. meant the world.

An Intro to My Ranting...

This is Me. My name is Jillian. I am 23 years old and up until now the world has had this idea that they know everything there is to know about me. That they had the right to tell me who I am when in all reality their views barely brush the surface of the woman I am, of the world I see and of the things I've overcome to be where/who I am. 

But this is my tell all. 

This is where the truth, my views, and my thoughts are set free.

so welcome.. welcome to my mind.